Why am I doing this?

Why am I doing this?

Only a few weeks to go before I head odd to Kiribati and I’ve been giving it a bit of thought lately about why I am doing this. Why am I leaving my life, my wife, kids, friends and comfortable existence to travel to the centre of the Pacific and live by myself for a year, in a very remote part of the world. Am I nuts? Am I having a midlife crisis? Will this work out, what the hell am I doing and why???

One of the suggestions during the VSA briefing was to write own why you are doing this, and when the going gets tough remind yourself of it, so here we go, my rather disorganized attempt to make sense of what I am about to do and why.

This is going to be bloody hard! I know the year ahead is going to be the hardest, most difficult things that I have ever done but also I hope it will be one of the most rewarding. I’m not doing this for material rewards, or even or personal ones. I am, I know, being exceedingly selfish in going, in leaving my wife and kids but I am doing this because it is something I have to do, for me, for my own well-being and sense of purpose.

I know the year ahead will be challenging: the food, the weather, the different cultural practices and belief systems, housing, lack of internet and other modern creature comforts I’ve come to rely on in my every day life will all be very, very difficult. But I know that they will be different and challenging, and no doubt at times frustrating, but I am expecting those differences  to exist. I know life will be bloody hard and times and I’ll be lonely, and frustrated and who knows what other emotions I will feel but I also know the hardest thing of all will be being separated from Julie, that is what will be my real challenge over the next twelve months.

We’ve been together twenty four years in 2018 and married for twenty one. We’ve had good times and bad but we’ve stayed together and got through things. No matter what has happened she has been the rock of our family and the centre of gravity that holds it all together. When we lived in Japan for three years when we were just married, we were there for each other. When one of us was down, or frustrated or really struggling with life in Japan, the other helped them though and having that support was one of the main factors that helped us survive three years there. Not having her there with me this tme is what will be the most challenging aspect of the year ahead. e.

I am not afraid of being alone, in fact the older I get the more comfortable I have become in being alone. I love going to the bach and getting away for two, three, four days but by the end of that time I am looking forward to getting back home and seeing Julie. That is what will be the hardest part of the next year for me and the first few weeks especially will be bloody hard without having her there to share the experience.

So I've given it some sort and here are my reasons why I want to do this.

1. It is something I have to do. I know it is selfish but it is something I feel I need to, indeed I have to,  do. Maybe I am having midlife crisis, but I don’t think so. Maybe now I am confronted by the fact that I am definitely not immortal I am doing this to make some sense of my life, to leave some small impact on the planet or other people. But no that’s not it. I feel I’ve been able to have a meaningful impact by teaching and working with youth over the last few years. I have seen the positive impact that teaching can have on people, to inspire them and support them to achieve their goals, and this is one of the reasons over the years I’ve loved working with international students and teaching them English as a Second Language. I’m glad I’ve got some skills that hopefully can be of use in Kiribati but I can guarantee I will take more from the experience than I am ever able to give. So I feel that it is something I have to do, a small one year gesture to say, hey I can do a little bit to help make a difference and maybe improve the lives somewhere else.

2.  A chance to give back in a meaningful way:  I’ve always had a social conscience and have been rather left leaning (socialist) in my political views and beliefs so maybe it is a natural outgoing of that, to consciously turn my back on a safe, ordered life to, leave the rat race behind and do something difererent to try to help in a meaningful way somewhere else in the world. I have wanted for a long, long time to be involved in “development”, and this is a chance for me to do so. I feel very privileged that I can take time out to do this, and that I have a wife that understands it is something that I need to do. I did a post grad diploma in Development Studies back in 2001-2002 with the intention of getting into “development work” but never really pursued it any further: mortgage, kids, rentals properties, work etc got in the way and so I put it on the back burner and did other things but now it has come back full circle and are at a point where I can do use my teaching skills, on a one to one level and maybe help out the organisation. Hopefully I can help to effect change and utilise my skills to help to change and improve things for the organisation I will be working for.

3. A chance to break out of the normal mold: Most of my friends are wage slaves, doing their nine-to-five day after day, week after week, year after year. Work 5 days, 2 day weekend, back to work, 3-4 weeks holidays per year, rinse and repeat, year after year after bloody year… Me, I’ve always tried to avoid that preordained route of the middle classes and always struggled to understand why, or how, anyone would subject themselves to doing that for any more time than they absolutely have to. Now I’ve turned 50 retirement seems a hell of a lot clsoer thn it did even five years ago. Most of my mates, not all them mind- eh Pricey- seem destined to plod on in their careers for another fifteen years till they are 65 and can officially cross that finish line and can officially retire, yay! My answer to that life path: FUCK THAT!

4. Life is short! Ain’t that the truth. The fact is today, tomorrow, any day can be your last. We have no idea how long we have on this planet and when our time is up it often strikes suddenly, without warning. BANG! Game over.  With that in mind, the older I get the more I realise that every minute and how I choose to spend it is important. I could die today, or tomorrow so the older I get the more I realise and recognise that selling my valuable time for money is NOT what I am about. I don’t need to keep up with the Jonesy’s with their new fucking car, boat, mortgage on their McMansion etc. “I owe, I owe, it’s off to work I go”. At the end of the day what are you working for?

 I need to live my life, my way, on my terms and a big part of that is by making money work for me so that I don’t have to work so hard, or so often, for it! In our case getting int rental properties while we were in Japan has allowed Julie and me to live our lives, our way, with minimal financial pressure and the ability to make different choices to most people- financial freedom is bloody great!  

A chance like this doesn’t come along every day and I know I’d regret it if I turned down this opportunity that I’d always wonder “what if”. Life’s not about what ifs, you can’t change decisions made, you just have to live with the consequences of those decisions and for me, this is one of those crossroads in life when I can continue on the main path or turn off onto a side road that hopefully will be a more interesting, fulfilling and worthwhile one. The road less travelled and all that. I don’t want to on my death bed think,  if only… So when a chance like this comes along, in my opinion you need to seize the day, cos you only get one life so make the most of it!

 5. A chance to show my kids that it is never too late to do something different: that you don’t have to get trapped doing the same old, same old. My wife has already shown them that by giving up work in her early forties, going back to full time study and retraining to become a midwife. It was a real challenge for her and hard but something she wanted to do and so was an amazing experience for the kids to see the sacrifices she made to achieve her dream and now she is doing a job she absolutely loves.
This is my chance to do something similiar, to shake things up and do something different. By doing this, leaving my regular life behind for a year, I  hope to show the kids that  there is more to life than settling for something that is good enough to get by but not really something you are passionate about. As we get older too many of us settle for what we know, what we are comfortable with and see change (eg career change) as scary so lose that ability we have when younger to simply say fuck it, time for a change to try something new. We have a fear of the unknown and too many of us are too scared to let go of what we know to get outside our comfort zone and just do, try, something new.  I don’t want that. I want to do something different I want to get way out of my comfort zone and who knows, maybe it will encourage my kids to take the path less travelled and do what they want, not what is expected of them, when they are older.  

6. I need a new challenge: That’s right. I thrive on being challenged and mentally stimulated, when I get stuck doing the same thing for too long I get bored. I need something different to challenge and excite me and to channel my energies, and this is one of those opportunities to try something completely different, learn new skills and immerse myself and learn about a culture that is very different to my own. I will be way outside my comfort zone and will find it bloody hard but I know that my brain is going to be engaged and stimulated and excited  and that it will be an experience that will change me, who I am, and my outlook on life and a chance to try, and learn new things.

7. I want to travel and explore new places. I want to learn all I can about a fascinating culture, society and little known part of the world. Last year Julie and I took the kids to Bali for two weeks, this was the first overseas holiday we’d had since we returned from Japan in the middle of 1999. For the past eighteen years we’ve been focused on raising the kids, and developing our rental property portfolio. Financially it didn’t make sense to me to take the kids for a week or two to the Gold Coast and blow $10k when we could use that money for a deposit for another rental, or to do improvements on one. So we deferred overseas travel till a point in time when we could afford it. 

One of my goals is to do meaningful travel. I want to immerse myself in a culture and place and learn all I can of it, not simply be a mass consumption tourist, hanging out at a resort, taking rather than giving.  I see this as an opportunity to kill two birds with one stone so to speak. I get to travel to a very remote, seldom visited country, live there, work there and learn all I can but it and its people and stay there for a whole year while at the same time contributing and giving back to the society. What can be better than that?

8. I want to be able to share ideas and help people in another part of the world. This is not a misguided form of white man’s burden but I do genuinely want to have a chance to help people in  Kiribati to improve their lives. My belief is that at the heart of things all people want nothing more than a better life for their family, children and community; that no matter what religion, culture, ethnicity that when you boil it all down that is what we are all about. I see this as an opportunity for me to maybe share some of my skills and help train up some young men to be able to earn a living for their family and community and make better lives for themselves. I know that I will take more from this experience than I give, that the Kiribati people will teach me things about life that I can only imagine but that it is my sincere hope that this will be a two way opportunity to learn and pass on skills and knowledge. A single pebble dropped into a pond causes ripples across the entire pond, that is also my belief when it comes to “development” by working at a grassroots, one-to-one level we can help effect meaningful change and improvement in people’s lives. So hopefully this opportunity will allow me to assist the people of Kiribati, or a few of them, in some meaningful, tangible way. I sincerely hope so!

 9. I want to be able to take time to reflect on who I am, to grow and change: On another level I see this as a chance to step out of my regular life, take a long, long time to take a good look at who I am and reflect on me, my life and what I want out of it from here on out. This is a chance for me to spend some quality time with me and who know to come up with some life changing epiphany, or maybe I’ll just come to the conclusion I am happy with who I am, where I am in life- I’m already pretty comfortable with that but see this is a chance to take some serious time out to reflect on life and what I want out of it form here. I know this experience will change me and want to embrace that.

10. Finally, because I can: Too many of us live our lives finding excuses why we can’t do something. I am in a place financially where I can do this. Two years ago, when the kids were younger it wouldn’t have been possible but now Hana has finished school, Finn will be in year 12, or working, and Julie is back working at the hospital as a midwife we are at a place where I can do this, I can simply clock out of society for a year and do this. It is liberating to have that freedom, to choose to do something because I want to do it, and not worry about mortgages, bills etc. The downside of this is that I am putting extra pressure on Julie to manage our rental properties but they are set up so that not much additional work should be required. To ensure that everything is going oaky though I will come back home after four months just to make sure everything is going okay.

So there we have it my reasons why I want to do this.

Say yes to adventure:

Craig